This is the Last Time I will Explain This

Is there any mail service (UPS, FedEx, DHL, USPS, etc.) that delivers overnight to Europe?

No. Non. Nyet. Nein. Ne. Nem. Ní hea. Ei. Nei. Nu. Nee.

I am very, very tired of having the following conversation repeatedly WITH THE SAME PEOPLE aka the Bother Squad:

[we now return to our regularly scheduled conversation already in progress]

Happy Cappy Investment Team Employee: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I'm sure.

HCITE: ...Except England

Me: No.

HCITE: Hmm...they used to do England overnight.

Me: Not true.

HCITE: There's no way to get this package to England tomorrow morning?

Me: They don't promise until the end of the second business day and that's not a guarantee because it could get held up in customs.

HCITE: But it usually gets there the next day even if it's not guaranteed, right?

Me: In all my years working in mailrooms I've never sent a package to London that arrived the next business morning.

HCITE: It'll probably get there by tomorrow. Keep you fingers crossed!

No, it won't get there tomorrow. Let's do some simple math to explain why this is.

All international FedEx packages must go through Memphis. The last drop off time for the day is about 8:00pm give or take, depending on your location. So let's say my package has been picked up and scanned locally by 9:30pm.

Then let's say that my package is on a plane by 10:00pm. It's a three hour flight to Memphis from my city. So let's say it arrives by midnight. (I get an hour back since I'm in the Eastern time zone).

The package then gets on a plane and flies "over the pond" for nine hours.

Let's say it then takes an hour-and-a-half to be processed and put on a truck for delivery and an hour to get to its destination. That would make the arrival time 11:30am and this is a very efficient timeline that I've laid out, much more efficient than anything I've ever encountered.

Oh wait, I forgot something... the six hour time difference [from Memphis], which at certain times of the year is actually a seven hour difference. So that puts us at 5:30pm or 6:30pm.

In other words, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE to get something to London the next business morning unless you drive it to the airport, buy it a fucking plane ticket and pick it up from the airport. Not even I, who as we all know has the super hot package, can make this happen.

What's even better than that? Someone once asked me to overnight something to Tokyo. A flight from my city to Tokyo is thirteen-and-a-half hours. Tokyo doesn't recognize daylight savings so it's either thirteen or fourteen hours ahead depending on the time of the year. To get a package there the next day would involve an ability to either teleport or go back in time.

Needless to say, if I possessed either ability I would not be stuck in a mailroom.