Water Water Everywhere but You're a Fucking Idiot

Good people,

Forget the economic crisis. Forget the environmental crisis. Forget the crisis in Gaza. It's time to focus on the office water crisis at the Happy Cappy Investment Team.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "D Money, I read your blog which means I know how to read and clearly possess above average intelligence. There are real water crises in the world."

True, my compadre. There is the lack of clean, usable water for much of the Third World, many of whom have easier access to Coke than drinking water. (How fucked up is that?) Of course there is the polluting and dumping (some of which is the plastic of bottled water I might add) which is taking a major toll on the earth and its rivers (over half of which are dangerously polluted). And then there's the looming possibility of "water wars" which will probably lead to Americans buying Waterworld on DVD and feeling like they've done their part to help.

No, I'm talking about something far more dramatic: the hot water is not hot enough at the HCIT. Or at least this is what was conveyed to me by the Stone Cold Killer.

So SCK is in a tizzy about the hot water situation and instructs me to order these electric tea kettles like we have in another office. So of course I didn't do anything about it. Why? I figured there was probably nothing wrong with it.

So he asks me again in that really annoying way which lets you know that it's not actually a request. He hasn't gotten any less annoying but I do it anyway.

I go to test the water and almost melt my hand off Raiders of the Lost Ark style. I'm a little more cautious with the second cooler.

D Money: Guess What?
You: What?
D Money: There wasn't anything wrong with the water coolers.

Motherfucker can't seem to figure out how to get hot water out of the cooler. Maybe the name cooler is what is throwing him. Perhaps he tried to get water out of the heater and was unsuccessful in that endeavor.

You see, there's a trick. Listen up close. You have to push in the tab BEFORE you push it down. It's what prevents people from accidentally scalding themselves. Is the SCK trying to kill me, to add another ear to his Vietnam necklace?

(Sidenote: One of the things those great patriotic soldiers did in Vietnam was to cut off the ears of the Vietnamese--dead or alive--and then wear them on their dog tags as souvenirs. How sick is that?)

I mean I never got the privilege of being made into a mindless robot babykiller like our beloved SCK but don't they teach things in the Army like how to sleep in trees and live off baboon dung and shit like that? Now SCK's main concern is that his Apple Delight Sleepytime Tea is not hot enough.

(Sidenote: *Sniffle*)

So I inform him there's nothing wrong with the coolers. A couple of days later my boss asks if I've ordered the kettles. Uh, no because there's nothing wrong with the coolers I think.

I then told her I would order them right then. It seems SCK is all eager to tell my boss what I need to do, haven't yet done, etc. The fact that I don't have to do something doesn't seem to get communicated to her through the SCK with quite the same enthusiasm or speed.

I'm done with this shit. I'm just ordering whatever-the-fuck they ask, no questions.

You'll be glad to know that the kettles are now up and running...right next to the watercoolers.

Oh severance package save me now.

Add This to My Resume

I am an expert at removing half full cases of water from the water cooler with minimal spillage. Now, I know what you're going to say: "Why the fuck would you do something so fucking stupid?" Good question my eager reader.

Apparently there have been "numerous incidents" of people going to the water cooler in the morning and it being empty. (At the Happy Cappy Investment Team "numerous incidents" is another way of saying "it happened once.") So now, when I leave for the day I must check to see that the water cooler is full since that's the way the Stone Cold Killer wants it.

For anyone who doesn't know the drill it's rather simple: you tear the seal off the five gallon bottle of water then quickly turn it upside down while putting the open end of the bottle in the hole of the water cooler. If you're good--which I am--you get all the water in the water cooler's filter without spilling any water. (You also have to be quick as the filter fills up very quickly.) You then remove it when it's EMPTY. But that's not how we do things at the Happy Cappy Investment Team. No, we are--dare I say--mavericks when it comes to water coolidge (no relation to Calvin).

We are going to bring change to the water cooler insiders with their elitist talk of half-full water coolers. On Main Street, in my hometown, we have another term for "half full": we call it half empty.

Seriously, the people who tend to complain about this stuff are the people that go to the gym everyday, something I certainly don't do. They can't lift a water bottle themselves or walk across the floor to use the OTHER water cooler?