Third Times the Charm

Good people,

Though, as you know, I am no longer working at the Happy Cappy Investment Team I still show a desire to show my "team colors."

A couple of weeks back I attempted to dye my hair the color of the the HCIT logo. But alas, my follicles were denied that privilege. So last weekend, I gave the coconut not one but TWO bleachings. I then went for the color that had up to this point eluded me....and now...SUCCESS!

It's damn near good enough to make me the mascot of the HCIT if I do say so myself. I can see it now, I'll play a slide whistle every time the NYSE numbers come up on the tv and I'll wear a bear costume and beat my sidekick "Bully" to death at halftime.

We're Gonna Party Like It's 1929

Good People,

I recently held a layoff party at the crib. The premise was simple, the guests bring canned goods so as I can east for the next month and I will provide them with a near-endless supply of the alcohol in my apartment.

The results were mixed (rimshot). On the plus side, the company was pleasant and I received a crate full of canned goods, with a lot of canned pineapple (yum). On the downside, people didn't wipe out all of my alcohol, which was part of the point (I don't want to move that shit when my lease is up). In all fairness they did go through about three-fourths of the bottles...and then we went to a bar (of course) so that we could pay for alcohol instead. Go figure.

Perhaps the week before I move out I'll throw a "Drink My Booze and Take Any Shit I Haven't Sold on eBay or Craig's List Yet" Party.

A New Chapter

Good people,

I'm done with the bullshit (mostly). So now begins my new life. This is far more important than some New Year's resolution. This is a new life resolution. I feel like this is my last shot to not get stuck in some job that I'll hate or will make me hate myself.

I got the severance, I'm signed up with unemployment, my lease is up in two months. The goal: to prolong a new job as long as possible. In that time I plan to do many things: travel, write, read Capital Vol. 1, watch a whole lot of movies, brush up on my foreign language skills, figure out grad school plans, practice my instrument, get rid a lot of shit on eBay. Maybe I'll even do an internship. I'm drawing up a schedule later today for the month of February, assign a certain number of hours per day to various tasks. Come March I'll reassess and make a March schedule.

So now I'm off to practice.

These Hard Economic Times

Good people,

I must confess something to you. In these penny-pinching times I got naked for a man the other day. But fear not, he was a dermatologist. It's all good on the surface level so a new tattoo is in the pipeline.

Next up, the dentist.

What's Next?

Good people,

I'm out on my ass.

But fear not. There will be blog updates. I'm sure there will be some more things to tell in the days to come. I'll also toss up some stories that happened before the blog and tales that I never got around to blasting out there.

Starting Monday I'm going to start my mini-sabbatical and do all those things that I said I would do if I "had the time."

As for now, I have to go get something notorized and sent back to my job. The Happy Cappy Investment Team hasn't bought my silence but they will be renting it for a few months.

Stay tuned.

The Coming Battle

Good people,

Things are tense up in this hedge. Last month it was announced that there would be downsizing at the Happy Cappy Investment Team.

Aside from a slight gloom in the air though, things have been pretty much the same since then. People have been making bizarre requests, the Stone Cold Killer freaks out when fruit supplies run low (you'd think we were running a type 1 diabetes center the way he flips out), and people have been stealing my supplies. However, I must add one important detail about the contraband: they are boxcutters and scissors. That's right these are the items that have been disappearing at the fastest rate of anything in the mailroom. I'm ordering scissors and boxcutters every week now.

Where are they going? Who is preparing for the inter-0ffice war? Is it the layoffers or the layoffees that is arming itself? (I can dream can't I?)

All I know is that the air was thicker than ever today. When I said hi to my boss I couldn't get one word out of her. When I took a breather at the front desk for a second I was told I am no longer allowed to sit up there (a week ago they switched it up so I don't ever cover the front desk anymore--fine with me--instead the EAs do.) When I pointed out that a lightbulb (a weird, specialty one) burned out at the coffee bar I asked for the corporate credit card. Apparently, it wasn't such a big deal so I should do it later. Yeah, right.

Stone Cold Killer has an aneurysm when there's ONLY one container of hand soap in the men's bathroom (not to mention the hand soap in the wall-mounted pump). Like I said, people are weird, and it's obvious as fuck what's going on. Oh, and HR's been on lockdown all day printing up a forest worth of trees.

**We interrupt this blog because I just "the call." I'm supposed to go to a different floor with no explanation. If this were a mobster movie I'd get the fuck outta dodge, right now.

Stay tuned.

I Love the Smell of Layoffs in the Morning

Good people,

Gather round. A big secret meeting happened this weekend. I think no one's supposed to know but, of course, they can't do anything at the Happy Cappy Investment Team without people like me organizing it so there you have it. The most amusing part is that it could have actually been secret but they just had to have their guillotine session catered.

First topic on the agenda? I'm going to go with layoffs.

It's the final countdown.

The Silver Lining to the Shit Storm?

Good people,

There are few things I hate more than self-evaluations for work. In the past I have contemplated quitting jobs so as to to not have to fill these out. They are truly wretched.

Most of you have had to do them before so I won't bore you with the boring boringness. I will simply focus on the area I hate most: "Areas for Improvement." I always feel like I should be able to invoke the 5th when this comes up but alas that won't cut it at the Happy Cappy Investment Team. Coming up with fake shit just makes you sound arrogant and aloof while telling the truth would involve revealing something your boss doesn't know about yet (and hopefully never will). I figure it's best to go with something that's been brought to your attention before by your boss (i.e., when contacting vendors make sure to write "Hello [name]" in the first line of the email) and say that you've improved upon it since your last discussion but you still need to make further strides. "I care too much is not an acceptable answer" (not that I've ever tried that one).

And another thing, you have to pepper that nugatory nugget of nonsense with stomach-churning business buzzwords that mean nothing and will soon be discarded from their lexicons faster than you can you can say "delayering" (the new buzzword for downsizing). Most of these idiotic phrases are grammatically incorrect and involve turning nouns into verbs. (You can't efficient anything no matter how hard you try because "efficient" is a noun you morons.)

But why did I bring this all up? Because no one has asked me or anyone else to do a year-end self-evaluation this year--joy!--even though they are such important and key management tools. So why would management in these tough times discard SUCH a critical tool right now?

Me thinks there's no bonuses this year. Would you want someone to describe all their talents, hard work, money brought in/saved and then turn around and tell 'em there's nothing left in the kitty? Me neither.

T.G.I.F. (Thank God I ain't Fired)

Good people,

You'll be happy to hear that I recently attended the Happy Cappy Investment Team holiday party. But before we dive in let me just give you some background on the prior three work-related parties I went to.

1) Last year's holiday party: Mountains of cheese as far as the eye could see, open bar where you get served by old dudes in tuxes, meat carving stations with those red lights that keep the food warm. A good time was had by all.

2) Retirement party of a senior HCIT employee: an incredible view of the city, open bar where you get served by old dudes in tuxes, absolutely delightful hors d'oeuvres.

3) Summer party this year: nice spread, open bar where you get served by young dudes and dudettes in tuxes, tasty buffet.

One of the things a fellow attendee said about the summer party was that it was a sign that HCIT was doing well. Yep, was.

Did I mention that there was a casino theme at that summer party? Oh it was great, we all got to play cards and craps and roulette. While we were playing with fake money people brought us free food and drinks the whole time and spoiled us. In other words, it was exactly like being at a hedge fund.

Fast forward to this year's holiday party. It was held at T.G.I.F. Okay not really, but the place was like one step above T.G.I.F., the type of place that deep fries your utensils before serving you your meal. That's all fine and dandy. I sometimes eat that shit. But this place was trying to do the whole private corporate party vibe which was just sad. They brought out things like grapes and cheese. As it turns out we were downgraded from cheese mountains to two half-wheels... which I think were for display purposes only as no one actually cut the cheese--giggle if you must--and there were no cheese knives in the vicinity. So I think we actually just rented cheese.

And there was no real food, just finger food. I felt like those people who try to put togther a meal by filling up on all the Costco samples being served in various aisles. (Microwave crabcakes, instant oatmeal, Hot Pockets, Go-GURT, beef jerky, yum yum!)

The party line is that the event was downgraded to this venue so as not to look arrogant or decadent in these lean financial times. Decadence is fine when 4% of the population is out of work but when that figure hits 6% that decadence is just in bad taste. I'm pretty sure that as long as we don't fly to our parties in private jets or ask for billion dollar handouts we'll be able to fly under the radar.

Now here's the real kicker to our humble party: no significant others allowed. Not only does this go against the trend up to this point it goes against the first email sent out about the party. But I think this is a good move. I can't tell you the amount of times I've heard others in the hedge fund business say "Who do those HCIT motherfuckers think they are with their lavish parties and their significant others?"

Oh and did I mention that a rumor started circulating that day from an industry magazine saying that the HCIT is going to start doing layoffs. That really added some punch to the CEO's holiday speech since he had to deny that on top of the pile of already horrendous news. I believe the exact words of one of the servers was "I thought I was going to cry after that speech."

Good times.

You Losing Other People's Money Does NOT Give You Permission to Treat Me Like an Asshole

Two people I kinda-sorta work with are out today and will be tomorrow as well. Hence I have to do my job, the job of one of them, and about half of the job of the other person.

Today is not a day to give me shit people. I am not getting two-and-a-half jobs done as fast as you want them. Boo-fucking-hoo.

I don't see the traders doing two-and-a-half jobs. In fact, I see them doing half a job 'cause they ain't got shit to trade. So why don't you make your $400,000 ass useful and go stock the frig. As far as I know the current financial meltdown is not the result of there being Coke and Diet Coke in the frig but no Coke Zero. Now's the time for belt tightening, you just might have to wait an hour to get your precious Coke Zero.

I'll Let You Know When It Happens

If I understand it correctly, when the US economy goes in the tank the ONLY way the government can figure out how to fix things is by turning the US into a communist system. I wish! To think, I should have spent my crazy radical youth taking out bad mortgages instead of doing political organizing.

[Jump to 10:26 or the first white dot on the scroll bar.]

I Love It!

Go visit this site:
Sad Guys on Trading Floors

This one might be my favorite but I'm sure there'll be plenty of great ones in the days to come.

A Typical Day at the Office

This Spreadsheet is Going to be the Death of Me

Don't get me wrong. I love a good spreadsheet as much as the next guy--possibly more--but fixing the Temp's worksheet is more work than creating this thing from scratch.

To give you a peek into my Monday morning pain this is one entry on the spreadsheet:

Coca-Cola/Diet/Soda/Can/12 oz.

Seriously, dog?

Now I could go on about how we ONLY order cans (the traders aren't allowed to have glass bottles in these rough economic times, no shoelaces either) or that cans are only available in one size from the distributor (12 oz. in case you're new to planet Earth and haven't yet seen a can of soda) or that most mammals are aware that Coke is a soda (the column is ALSO titled Soda) but that's technical mumbo jumbo that will simply bore you folks. Instead I ask, who refers to Diet Coke as Coca-Cola/Diet?

This is supposed to streamline the process of ordering and managing inventory?