Water Water Everywhere but You're a Fucking Idiot

Good people,

Forget the economic crisis. Forget the environmental crisis. Forget the crisis in Gaza. It's time to focus on the office water crisis at the Happy Cappy Investment Team.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "D Money, I read your blog which means I know how to read and clearly possess above average intelligence. There are real water crises in the world."

True, my compadre. There is the lack of clean, usable water for much of the Third World, many of whom have easier access to Coke than drinking water. (How fucked up is that?) Of course there is the polluting and dumping (some of which is the plastic of bottled water I might add) which is taking a major toll on the earth and its rivers (over half of which are dangerously polluted). And then there's the looming possibility of "water wars" which will probably lead to Americans buying Waterworld on DVD and feeling like they've done their part to help.

No, I'm talking about something far more dramatic: the hot water is not hot enough at the HCIT. Or at least this is what was conveyed to me by the Stone Cold Killer.

So SCK is in a tizzy about the hot water situation and instructs me to order these electric tea kettles like we have in another office. So of course I didn't do anything about it. Why? I figured there was probably nothing wrong with it.

So he asks me again in that really annoying way which lets you know that it's not actually a request. He hasn't gotten any less annoying but I do it anyway.

I go to test the water and almost melt my hand off Raiders of the Lost Ark style. I'm a little more cautious with the second cooler.

D Money: Guess What?
You: What?
D Money: There wasn't anything wrong with the water coolers.

Motherfucker can't seem to figure out how to get hot water out of the cooler. Maybe the name cooler is what is throwing him. Perhaps he tried to get water out of the heater and was unsuccessful in that endeavor.

You see, there's a trick. Listen up close. You have to push in the tab BEFORE you push it down. It's what prevents people from accidentally scalding themselves. Is the SCK trying to kill me, to add another ear to his Vietnam necklace?

(Sidenote: One of the things those great patriotic soldiers did in Vietnam was to cut off the ears of the Vietnamese--dead or alive--and then wear them on their dog tags as souvenirs. How sick is that?)

I mean I never got the privilege of being made into a mindless robot babykiller like our beloved SCK but don't they teach things in the Army like how to sleep in trees and live off baboon dung and shit like that? Now SCK's main concern is that his Apple Delight Sleepytime Tea is not hot enough.

(Sidenote: *Sniffle*)

So I inform him there's nothing wrong with the coolers. A couple of days later my boss asks if I've ordered the kettles. Uh, no because there's nothing wrong with the coolers I think.

I then told her I would order them right then. It seems SCK is all eager to tell my boss what I need to do, haven't yet done, etc. The fact that I don't have to do something doesn't seem to get communicated to her through the SCK with quite the same enthusiasm or speed.

I'm done with this shit. I'm just ordering whatever-the-fuck they ask, no questions.

You'll be glad to know that the kettles are now up and running...right next to the watercoolers.

Oh severance package save me now.

Hi, How Are You, You're an Asshole

Good people,

Let me tell you that coming back to work from Costa Rica was rough. No more vacation days for me. I keep telling myself I won't be working a five-day work week until 2009. It does little to soothe me.

The C Rizzle is the most beautiful place I've ever been too. It really gives you an idea of just how beautiful the world would be if we hadn't fucked it up so bad. Did I mention that I canopied over a rainforest? Well, I did and it was amazing! Did I mention I saw a leatherback turtle come ashore and lay her eggs? It was not unlike that first part of that National Geographic special--sorry folks but it ain't on YouTube--that traumatized us as kids. You know that one where those adorable baby turtles were awkwardly making their way to the ocean only to be scooped up and eaten by birds just before they made it. (Sidenote: Everyone my age seems to remember two PBS experiences as a a kid, the baby turtles and the crayon factory. Why is that?)

By the way, is canopy even a verb? Did I just turn a noun into a verb à la the business world? (Dictionary.com has just informed me that "canopy" can, in fact, be a verb. So we're good.)

At this point you're probably wondering what does the title have to do with the tangential tangled tangent above?

I'm glad you're paying such close attention savvy readers. Long story short, everyone who knew where I went for vacation asked me how CR was and I told them how amazing it was and how traumatic it was to be back at the Happy Cappy Investment Team except...for the Stone Cold Killer.

What did SCK do ten minutes after I arrived at the HCIT? "We need those round hand wash things in the men's bathroom?" Huh? But I said I would get on it so I could quickly end that inane encounter which would only have gotten more awkward with each additional second. Besides, I would just go to the bathroom, see what was missing and from there I would be able to deduce what a "round hand wash thing" was. Right?

But lo and behold, the bathroom was completely stocked with the holy trinity of hand care--hand soap, hand sanitizer, hand lotion. I eventually concluded that the complaint regarding the "round hand wash thing" must've have been referring to the fact that the men's bathroom closet didn't have any of the OVERSTOCK hand wash in it. You see, the hand wash containers have rounded bottoms--giggle if you must. That's the best guess I could come up with.

So SCK, yes I DID have a great time in the Rica. Thanks for asking... asshole.

It's Not Me it's You

Do restraining orders work against vendors? This is something I might have to look into.

For over three months a certain office supply company (none you've ever heard of unless you work for them... and if you do run away!) has been trying to get me to order from them. I really wasn't interested but they did the old salesman show up at the office routine after I said I wasn't interested.

(Sidenote: I've started allowing these unsolicited visits ever since my DHL rep said he was going to take me to lunch which I interpreted as I will gladly stuff my face if you're picking up the tab and you can talk all you want while I order my third milkshake. I might need to rethink this idea, especially since I haven't received that free lunch. Alas, perhaps there are no free lunches.)

What could I do with that sad little puppy on my doorstep? I showed him a good time of course. Well, not really.

But I did get to look all important--look at me booking a conference room for my "business meeting"--and we "talked numbers" as the kids like to say. Well, not really.

First, Papular Paper Pusher asked me what my main concern was. Any economic students out there? Want to take a guess as to what I told him? I told him "lowest price combined with timely delivery." I don't think I coined that phrase but he thought it was worth writing down. He then gave me a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo, or malarkey if your prefer, that made me click my mental "sleep mode."

One of his big sells was that he could save me money on paper purchases. Great idea, we use paper everyday. Literally every day if you can believe it. And it's not like paper grows on trees. Well, not really.

I gave him the figure for a box of 10 reams of 24 lb. stock--hang on dear audience, we have to work through the minutia--and he told me he could save me money because I didn't need to use 24 lb., 20 lb. would do just fine for the copier. (I won't bore you with the reasons I order 24 lb. paper but there are reasons dammit! I will only point out that 20 lb. paper costs less than 24 lb. from Staples and any other vendor.)

That was the big sell? To get me to order a cheaper quality of paper. What's his next suggestion to give people foldy chairs instead of plush office chairs? (Okay, the office chairs are a bit lavish at $1,000 a pop but they weren't my choice.)

Still, nice guy that I am I printed out my spreadsheet of items that I regularly order. A week or two later I get an email from PPP explaining that I have a login to their website. I ignored it as I did all the other attempted follow-ups. I got caught on the phone once and so I agreed to check out the website.

Well, as it turned out I was in for quite a treat. It was like the Staples website except much harder to navigate with far less items to choose from. And here's the clincher: more expensive than Staples and an extra day to arrive.

Did he really think he was going to lure me with higher prices? All he had to do was go to the Staples website, see what they were charging and charge me the same rate. I could have worked around the other stuff. I'm good with ordering from the little guy. I'm no corporate lackey. I have the rap sheet to prove it. But at the end of the year I have to turn in a self-evaluation and one thing that always gets them all excited is when I can show them where I saved the company money. It factors into my bonus.

These year-end reviews are painful enough without me having to explain why I switched from Staples to a company that charges more money for the same items.

Still, because I am an atheistic saint I found two items that were something like a nickel cheaper on their website. I clicked on the link provided in the email and put an order in. Well, not really.

As it turns out my order didn't go through, though I didn't know it at the time. PPP called. I answered and told him that I put an order in hoping that would shut him up. (It didn't by the way.)

He calls me back later that day and explains that I ordered through the demo website as opposed to the regular website. Give me a break. This is the worst wooing I've ever seen. You're trying to get my business? If this were a date I'd be convinced I was being filmed by the Blind Date crew... or maybe even Hell Date.

Fast forward to the day before I left for Amsterdam [pause for the tears of longing]. The Temp is in my office. The phone rings.

The Temp: The phone's ringing.

Me: Yeah, I can hear it.

TT: Are you going to answer it?

Me: You see that code? That means it was transferred from reception, that means it's someone trying to sell me something. Not interested.

TT: Oh, okay.

So what do you think the The Temp did?

a) let the phone ring
b) turned off the ringer
c) hung up on PPP
d) answered the phone and told PPP to never call back
e) answered the phone, and said "Yes, he's right here. Hold on, I'll get him...It's for you."

Yes, sadly, the answer is e). Does the Temp have brain damage? I mean seriously, am I talking to Mr. Short-term Memory? Perhaps a pear-colored apple hit him on the head.

So I talk to PPP and tell him to call me the next day at 4pm knowing very well that I will be on my way to the airport, destination Amsterdam.

Fast forward to today. I get a phone call from some phone number I don't recognize. It's PPP on my cell! WTF? Leave me alone! (Unfortunately, I need to list my cell on my business card for a variety of reasons.) PPP called a few weeks back but his number came up as unlisted and I don't answer unlisted calls. I checked the message, erased it, and didn't think twice.

Today, however, I foolishly answered an unknown number and paid the price. He told me he would set up someone to call me to walk through the website. No, fix your website. It sucks. I'm web saavy. It's on my resume. I don't need to talk to someone who's going to talk to me like I'm feeble-minded--"Okay, do you see a blue 'E,' it should say 'Microsoft Explorer' underneath the 'E.' You want to click on that with your mouse."

If I'm on the phone I might as well put the order in over the phone--Temp style.

I told him I'm not interested and to stop calling me. I think that's the last I'll be hearing of PPP. Well, not really.

Is That Mine?

Good people,

Shortly after I began my employment at the Happy Cappy Investment Team I ordered a label maker. Nothing fancy but it got the job done. The first thing I did once it was up and running was to label the label maker (how postmodern!). This is because traders are thieves--it's in their job description. They don't actually trade they just take take take. People take my stuff all the time: my tissues, my pens, my tape, my stapler. Someone once stole the removable pad from my mousepad-with-wristguard set up. (Did they honestly think I wouldn't notice or do they just feel entitled to anything and everything they see?)

Now, what is so frustrating about this is that I will gladly order any office supplies for them--it's in my job description. Why they feel compelled to steal things--used things, my things!--instead of waiting one day to get their very own is beyond me but they do. Especially since I very often have said item on hand. It might shock you to know that I supply the supply room with supplies. Supplies-ing ain't it?

So back to the label maker. Many months ago, like 2007 "many months ago," I lent my label maker to someone. I, of course, didn't get it back so I ordered another.

Now, I understand that sometimes you borrow something and you forget who you borrowed it from or if it's been awhile you actually think it's yours (historically, white people are especially prone to this condition) but it had "MAILROOM" on it.

Fortunately, this person finally remembered where the mailroom was and returned the label maker today...because it was broken...and this person then asked to borrow my label maker...on the grounds that this person rarely uses a label maker...so they'll return it as soon as their done.

Yeah right.

Add This to My Resume

I know how to work a tape gun aka tape dispenser.

Now, this might not seem like much of a skill but working one of these things seems to absolutely baffle people here...even the smart people.

What I don't get is that there's no trick to it, it's as obvious as it looks. I have no training in this art; I am not certified; I do not come from a long line of tape gunners who have passed down the secrets of the tape gun over many generations. No, the first time I had to use one I looked at it and tried to figure out how to load the tape. It turned out I was right.

Yet, when I lend out the tape gun I get all sorts of crazy configurations back. Keep in mind that I'VE ALREADY LOADED IT FOR THEM AND IT'S WORKING FINE.

I've received the tape gun with the tape on backwards so the sticky side is facing the wrong direction. I've received it with the tape going over the plastic flap. I've had people try to thread the tape over the wheel. I've received it with the tape all knotted up.

What are these people doing? Here's a hint people, sticky tape is, well, sticky. The sticky side will stick to things, hence you don't want to put it in backwards (making it stick to the underside of the wheel) or put it over the flap (causing it to stick to the flap and having no way to tear the tape on the sharp metal teeth) or try to thread it (which won't won't work since the wheel will cease to move now that it's stuck to the tape) or whatever the hell you did that caused the tape gun to come back with knotted tape and little pieces of tape shrapnel on the handle.

This Spreadsheet is Going to be the Death of Me

Don't get me wrong. I love a good spreadsheet as much as the next guy--possibly more--but fixing the Temp's worksheet is more work than creating this thing from scratch.

To give you a peek into my Monday morning pain this is one entry on the spreadsheet:

Coca-Cola/Diet/Soda/Can/12 oz.

Seriously, dog?

Now I could go on about how we ONLY order cans (the traders aren't allowed to have glass bottles in these rough economic times, no shoelaces either) or that cans are only available in one size from the distributor (12 oz. in case you're new to planet Earth and haven't yet seen a can of soda) or that most mammals are aware that Coke is a soda (the column is ALSO titled Soda) but that's technical mumbo jumbo that will simply bore you folks. Instead I ask, who refers to Diet Coke as Coca-Cola/Diet?

This is supposed to streamline the process of ordering and managing inventory?