The Silver Lining to the Shit Storm?

Good people,

There are few things I hate more than self-evaluations for work. In the past I have contemplated quitting jobs so as to to not have to fill these out. They are truly wretched.

Most of you have had to do them before so I won't bore you with the boring boringness. I will simply focus on the area I hate most: "Areas for Improvement." I always feel like I should be able to invoke the 5th when this comes up but alas that won't cut it at the Happy Cappy Investment Team. Coming up with fake shit just makes you sound arrogant and aloof while telling the truth would involve revealing something your boss doesn't know about yet (and hopefully never will). I figure it's best to go with something that's been brought to your attention before by your boss (i.e., when contacting vendors make sure to write "Hello [name]" in the first line of the email) and say that you've improved upon it since your last discussion but you still need to make further strides. "I care too much is not an acceptable answer" (not that I've ever tried that one).

And another thing, you have to pepper that nugatory nugget of nonsense with stomach-churning business buzzwords that mean nothing and will soon be discarded from their lexicons faster than you can you can say "delayering" (the new buzzword for downsizing). Most of these idiotic phrases are grammatically incorrect and involve turning nouns into verbs. (You can't efficient anything no matter how hard you try because "efficient" is a noun you morons.)

But why did I bring this all up? Because no one has asked me or anyone else to do a year-end self-evaluation this year--joy!--even though they are such important and key management tools. So why would management in these tough times discard SUCH a critical tool right now?

Me thinks there's no bonuses this year. Would you want someone to describe all their talents, hard work, money brought in/saved and then turn around and tell 'em there's nothing left in the kitty? Me neither.