Chillin'

Hard to believe it's been ten days since the last post but tis true.

Highlights in those ten days:

1. I got to wear jeans (twice!)

2. I traipsed into work one day at 11:30 am (I didn't even set an alarm!)

3. I watch Maxed Out (pretty good) and Bigger, Stronger, Faster* (very good) on Netflix Watch Instantly. (Unfortunately I also watched Boondock Saints which was terrible.)

Douche Bag Alert

Good people,

I apologize. I'm out of laundry, I only have dirty, wrinkled shirts left so I had to do the whole button-up-collar-sticking-out-of-the-sweater thing. It's a pretty douchy look. I'll try to do my laundry tonight.


Apologies,
D Money

Hi, How Are You, You're an Asshole

Good people,

Let me tell you that coming back to work from Costa Rica was rough. No more vacation days for me. I keep telling myself I won't be working a five-day work week until 2009. It does little to soothe me.

The C Rizzle is the most beautiful place I've ever been too. It really gives you an idea of just how beautiful the world would be if we hadn't fucked it up so bad. Did I mention that I canopied over a rainforest? Well, I did and it was amazing! Did I mention I saw a leatherback turtle come ashore and lay her eggs? It was not unlike that first part of that National Geographic special--sorry folks but it ain't on YouTube--that traumatized us as kids. You know that one where those adorable baby turtles were awkwardly making their way to the ocean only to be scooped up and eaten by birds just before they made it. (Sidenote: Everyone my age seems to remember two PBS experiences as a a kid, the baby turtles and the crayon factory. Why is that?)

By the way, is canopy even a verb? Did I just turn a noun into a verb à la the business world? (Dictionary.com has just informed me that "canopy" can, in fact, be a verb. So we're good.)

At this point you're probably wondering what does the title have to do with the tangential tangled tangent above?

I'm glad you're paying such close attention savvy readers. Long story short, everyone who knew where I went for vacation asked me how CR was and I told them how amazing it was and how traumatic it was to be back at the Happy Cappy Investment Team except...for the Stone Cold Killer.

What did SCK do ten minutes after I arrived at the HCIT? "We need those round hand wash things in the men's bathroom?" Huh? But I said I would get on it so I could quickly end that inane encounter which would only have gotten more awkward with each additional second. Besides, I would just go to the bathroom, see what was missing and from there I would be able to deduce what a "round hand wash thing" was. Right?

But lo and behold, the bathroom was completely stocked with the holy trinity of hand care--hand soap, hand sanitizer, hand lotion. I eventually concluded that the complaint regarding the "round hand wash thing" must've have been referring to the fact that the men's bathroom closet didn't have any of the OVERSTOCK hand wash in it. You see, the hand wash containers have rounded bottoms--giggle if you must. That's the best guess I could come up with.

So SCK, yes I DID have a great time in the Rica. Thanks for asking... asshole.

The Silver Lining to the Shit Storm?

Good people,

There are few things I hate more than self-evaluations for work. In the past I have contemplated quitting jobs so as to to not have to fill these out. They are truly wretched.

Most of you have had to do them before so I won't bore you with the boring boringness. I will simply focus on the area I hate most: "Areas for Improvement." I always feel like I should be able to invoke the 5th when this comes up but alas that won't cut it at the Happy Cappy Investment Team. Coming up with fake shit just makes you sound arrogant and aloof while telling the truth would involve revealing something your boss doesn't know about yet (and hopefully never will). I figure it's best to go with something that's been brought to your attention before by your boss (i.e., when contacting vendors make sure to write "Hello [name]" in the first line of the email) and say that you've improved upon it since your last discussion but you still need to make further strides. "I care too much is not an acceptable answer" (not that I've ever tried that one).

And another thing, you have to pepper that nugatory nugget of nonsense with stomach-churning business buzzwords that mean nothing and will soon be discarded from their lexicons faster than you can you can say "delayering" (the new buzzword for downsizing). Most of these idiotic phrases are grammatically incorrect and involve turning nouns into verbs. (You can't efficient anything no matter how hard you try because "efficient" is a noun you morons.)

But why did I bring this all up? Because no one has asked me or anyone else to do a year-end self-evaluation this year--joy!--even though they are such important and key management tools. So why would management in these tough times discard SUCH a critical tool right now?

Me thinks there's no bonuses this year. Would you want someone to describe all their talents, hard work, money brought in/saved and then turn around and tell 'em there's nothing left in the kitty? Me neither.

T.G.I.F. (Thank God I ain't Fired)

Good people,

You'll be happy to hear that I recently attended the Happy Cappy Investment Team holiday party. But before we dive in let me just give you some background on the prior three work-related parties I went to.

1) Last year's holiday party: Mountains of cheese as far as the eye could see, open bar where you get served by old dudes in tuxes, meat carving stations with those red lights that keep the food warm. A good time was had by all.

2) Retirement party of a senior HCIT employee: an incredible view of the city, open bar where you get served by old dudes in tuxes, absolutely delightful hors d'oeuvres.

3) Summer party this year: nice spread, open bar where you get served by young dudes and dudettes in tuxes, tasty buffet.

One of the things a fellow attendee said about the summer party was that it was a sign that HCIT was doing well. Yep, was.

Did I mention that there was a casino theme at that summer party? Oh it was great, we all got to play cards and craps and roulette. While we were playing with fake money people brought us free food and drinks the whole time and spoiled us. In other words, it was exactly like being at a hedge fund.

Fast forward to this year's holiday party. It was held at T.G.I.F. Okay not really, but the place was like one step above T.G.I.F., the type of place that deep fries your utensils before serving you your meal. That's all fine and dandy. I sometimes eat that shit. But this place was trying to do the whole private corporate party vibe which was just sad. They brought out things like grapes and cheese. As it turns out we were downgraded from cheese mountains to two half-wheels... which I think were for display purposes only as no one actually cut the cheese--giggle if you must--and there were no cheese knives in the vicinity. So I think we actually just rented cheese.

And there was no real food, just finger food. I felt like those people who try to put togther a meal by filling up on all the Costco samples being served in various aisles. (Microwave crabcakes, instant oatmeal, Hot Pockets, Go-GURT, beef jerky, yum yum!)

The party line is that the event was downgraded to this venue so as not to look arrogant or decadent in these lean financial times. Decadence is fine when 4% of the population is out of work but when that figure hits 6% that decadence is just in bad taste. I'm pretty sure that as long as we don't fly to our parties in private jets or ask for billion dollar handouts we'll be able to fly under the radar.

Now here's the real kicker to our humble party: no significant others allowed. Not only does this go against the trend up to this point it goes against the first email sent out about the party. But I think this is a good move. I can't tell you the amount of times I've heard others in the hedge fund business say "Who do those HCIT motherfuckers think they are with their lavish parties and their significant others?"

Oh and did I mention that a rumor started circulating that day from an industry magazine saying that the HCIT is going to start doing layoffs. That really added some punch to the CEO's holiday speech since he had to deny that on top of the pile of already horrendous news. I believe the exact words of one of the servers was "I thought I was going to cry after that speech."

Good times.

OH...MY...GOD!

Good people,

Today, a line has been crossed.

Tis the season for employees to bring in sweets and treats. Given all the recent economic hubbub I don't know if this December will be as intense as last year's 30-days-'til-a-heart-attack junk food feast that was unleashed upon the employees of the Happy Cappy Investment Team. Still, that process is well underway this December.

Someone brought in these marshmellow-truffle things. They had that weird gooey-chewy thing going on dusted in cocoa. And of course someone made a mess since these people can't seem to wipe their own asses without help from others.

Someone must have dropped one on the floor and then someone (or somemany) proceeded to step on it and make coco-mello smudges on the floor.

So reception puts in a call for the building to come clean it up. I go and follow the smudge trail to see wear it leads. The path directs me to the men's bathroom door. So of course the oh so witty jokes coming flying (in case you were wondering the joke each time is that it was shit... ha... ha... ha... ugh).

Well like some horror movie I slowly open the door to see if the trail ends there...it doesn't! I turn the corner...but the smudges continue! Until finally...they lead to...THE FUCKING TOILET!!!

That's right, some grown ass man [at first I called him an asshole and then a piece of shit but that just seemed to confuse the narrative] did this. He cannot, in fact, wipe his own ass without the help of others (you see, that was foreshadowing before). This man actually tracked his own excrement into the kitchen. Amazing.

So of course I mopped it up. Some people were stunned that I would do this filthy task, especially when the cleaning services would be here within the hour. My answer? "There's fucking shit on the fucking floor and it's fucking disgusting."

Seriously, do these people do this at home but have servants waiting on them hand-and-foot so as they don't realize just how disgusting they are?

Time to look into grad school.

Does Worker Comp Cover This?

I'm recovering from the fact that this will be the first time since the week of 11/3-11/7 that I'll have worked five days in a row, in other words a typical Monday to Friday gig. But fear not good people as next week I'll be in Costa Rica.

So I go to start dealing with the mail and I take out a rubber-banded bundle floating on top of the endless mail bucket. Upon undoing the band one very hard-cornered letter--think holiday card--makes like a rocket and propels itself into my eye. It really fucking hurts. I smell a lawsuit.