Hi, How Are You, You're an Asshole

Good people,

Let me tell you that coming back to work from Costa Rica was rough. No more vacation days for me. I keep telling myself I won't be working a five-day work week until 2009. It does little to soothe me.

The C Rizzle is the most beautiful place I've ever been too. It really gives you an idea of just how beautiful the world would be if we hadn't fucked it up so bad. Did I mention that I canopied over a rainforest? Well, I did and it was amazing! Did I mention I saw a leatherback turtle come ashore and lay her eggs? It was not unlike that first part of that National Geographic special--sorry folks but it ain't on YouTube--that traumatized us as kids. You know that one where those adorable baby turtles were awkwardly making their way to the ocean only to be scooped up and eaten by birds just before they made it. (Sidenote: Everyone my age seems to remember two PBS experiences as a a kid, the baby turtles and the crayon factory. Why is that?)

By the way, is canopy even a verb? Did I just turn a noun into a verb à la the business world? (Dictionary.com has just informed me that "canopy" can, in fact, be a verb. So we're good.)

At this point you're probably wondering what does the title have to do with the tangential tangled tangent above?

I'm glad you're paying such close attention savvy readers. Long story short, everyone who knew where I went for vacation asked me how CR was and I told them how amazing it was and how traumatic it was to be back at the Happy Cappy Investment Team except...for the Stone Cold Killer.

What did SCK do ten minutes after I arrived at the HCIT? "We need those round hand wash things in the men's bathroom?" Huh? But I said I would get on it so I could quickly end that inane encounter which would only have gotten more awkward with each additional second. Besides, I would just go to the bathroom, see what was missing and from there I would be able to deduce what a "round hand wash thing" was. Right?

But lo and behold, the bathroom was completely stocked with the holy trinity of hand care--hand soap, hand sanitizer, hand lotion. I eventually concluded that the complaint regarding the "round hand wash thing" must've have been referring to the fact that the men's bathroom closet didn't have any of the OVERSTOCK hand wash in it. You see, the hand wash containers have rounded bottoms--giggle if you must. That's the best guess I could come up with.

So SCK, yes I DID have a great time in the Rica. Thanks for asking... asshole.

The Silver Lining to the Shit Storm?

Good people,

There are few things I hate more than self-evaluations for work. In the past I have contemplated quitting jobs so as to to not have to fill these out. They are truly wretched.

Most of you have had to do them before so I won't bore you with the boring boringness. I will simply focus on the area I hate most: "Areas for Improvement." I always feel like I should be able to invoke the 5th when this comes up but alas that won't cut it at the Happy Cappy Investment Team. Coming up with fake shit just makes you sound arrogant and aloof while telling the truth would involve revealing something your boss doesn't know about yet (and hopefully never will). I figure it's best to go with something that's been brought to your attention before by your boss (i.e., when contacting vendors make sure to write "Hello [name]" in the first line of the email) and say that you've improved upon it since your last discussion but you still need to make further strides. "I care too much is not an acceptable answer" (not that I've ever tried that one).

And another thing, you have to pepper that nugatory nugget of nonsense with stomach-churning business buzzwords that mean nothing and will soon be discarded from their lexicons faster than you can you can say "delayering" (the new buzzword for downsizing). Most of these idiotic phrases are grammatically incorrect and involve turning nouns into verbs. (You can't efficient anything no matter how hard you try because "efficient" is a noun you morons.)

But why did I bring this all up? Because no one has asked me or anyone else to do a year-end self-evaluation this year--joy!--even though they are such important and key management tools. So why would management in these tough times discard SUCH a critical tool right now?

Me thinks there's no bonuses this year. Would you want someone to describe all their talents, hard work, money brought in/saved and then turn around and tell 'em there's nothing left in the kitty? Me neither.