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I know how to work a tape gun aka tape dispenser.

Now, this might not seem like much of a skill but working one of these things seems to absolutely baffle people here...even the smart people.

What I don't get is that there's no trick to it, it's as obvious as it looks. I have no training in this art; I am not certified; I do not come from a long line of tape gunners who have passed down the secrets of the tape gun over many generations. No, the first time I had to use one I looked at it and tried to figure out how to load the tape. It turned out I was right.

Yet, when I lend out the tape gun I get all sorts of crazy configurations back. Keep in mind that I'VE ALREADY LOADED IT FOR THEM AND IT'S WORKING FINE.

I've received the tape gun with the tape on backwards so the sticky side is facing the wrong direction. I've received it with the tape going over the plastic flap. I've had people try to thread the tape over the wheel. I've received it with the tape all knotted up.

What are these people doing? Here's a hint people, sticky tape is, well, sticky. The sticky side will stick to things, hence you don't want to put it in backwards (making it stick to the underside of the wheel) or put it over the flap (causing it to stick to the flap and having no way to tear the tape on the sharp metal teeth) or try to thread it (which won't won't work since the wheel will cease to move now that it's stuck to the tape) or whatever the hell you did that caused the tape gun to come back with knotted tape and little pieces of tape shrapnel on the handle.

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I am an expert at removing half full cases of water from the water cooler with minimal spillage. Now, I know what you're going to say: "Why the fuck would you do something so fucking stupid?" Good question my eager reader.

Apparently there have been "numerous incidents" of people going to the water cooler in the morning and it being empty. (At the Happy Cappy Investment Team "numerous incidents" is another way of saying "it happened once.") So now, when I leave for the day I must check to see that the water cooler is full since that's the way the Stone Cold Killer wants it.

For anyone who doesn't know the drill it's rather simple: you tear the seal off the five gallon bottle of water then quickly turn it upside down while putting the open end of the bottle in the hole of the water cooler. If you're good--which I am--you get all the water in the water cooler's filter without spilling any water. (You also have to be quick as the filter fills up very quickly.) You then remove it when it's EMPTY. But that's not how we do things at the Happy Cappy Investment Team. No, we are--dare I say--mavericks when it comes to water coolidge (no relation to Calvin).

We are going to bring change to the water cooler insiders with their elitist talk of half-full water coolers. On Main Street, in my hometown, we have another term for "half full": we call it half empty.

Seriously, the people who tend to complain about this stuff are the people that go to the gym everyday, something I certainly don't do. They can't lift a water bottle themselves or walk across the floor to use the OTHER water cooler?