Seriously, You Can't Get It There Overnight!

Okay, so I'm on vacation getting ready for Iceland (Ice, Ice Baby!) but let me share a little story from a few days ago.

On my last day before vacation (Monday) my temp replacement comes in. He's very competent and more than capable of doing my job (ut-oh...fear not he's going to Ohio next week). A member of the Bother Squad comes over and asks me if I can get something via FedEx to London overnight. I tell them no...like I have so many times before. Well, one of the BS went and did some research (emphasis on some). She comes back some time later and tells me that there's something called FedEx "Next Flight" and there's two options 1:30pm and 4:30pm. It ain't cheap. It starts at something like $240.

Now, I knew sorta something like this existed even though there's no option to do this online or with the FedEx software but I didn't know the details. (Hey, the mailroom's my job not my passion.)

Long story short, they tell me they'll have something ready for Tuesday to go by Next Flight hopefully by 1:30 but possibly 4:30. I inform them that I won't be here but Temp 2.0 will handle it...that and I encouraged them to send it Monday night by FedEx International so that it will get there by Wednesday.

So what happens? The usual: shit gets unnecessarily fucked up.

It turns out the Happy Cappy Investment Team is ineligible for Next Flight because of some transportation security guidelines or something like that. You have to apply for that status.

They should've just sent the package on Monday...

This is the Last Time I will Explain This

Is there any mail service (UPS, FedEx, DHL, USPS, etc.) that delivers overnight to Europe?

No. Non. Nyet. Nein. Ne. Nem. Ní hea. Ei. Nei. Nu. Nee.

I am very, very tired of having the following conversation repeatedly WITH THE SAME PEOPLE aka the Bother Squad:

[we now return to our regularly scheduled conversation already in progress]

Happy Cappy Investment Team Employee: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I'm sure.

HCITE: ...Except England

Me: No.

HCITE: Hmm...they used to do England overnight.

Me: Not true.

HCITE: There's no way to get this package to England tomorrow morning?

Me: They don't promise until the end of the second business day and that's not a guarantee because it could get held up in customs.

HCITE: But it usually gets there the next day even if it's not guaranteed, right?

Me: In all my years working in mailrooms I've never sent a package to London that arrived the next business morning.

HCITE: It'll probably get there by tomorrow. Keep you fingers crossed!

No, it won't get there tomorrow. Let's do some simple math to explain why this is.

All international FedEx packages must go through Memphis. The last drop off time for the day is about 8:00pm give or take, depending on your location. So let's say my package has been picked up and scanned locally by 9:30pm.

Then let's say that my package is on a plane by 10:00pm. It's a three hour flight to Memphis from my city. So let's say it arrives by midnight. (I get an hour back since I'm in the Eastern time zone).

The package then gets on a plane and flies "over the pond" for nine hours.

Let's say it then takes an hour-and-a-half to be processed and put on a truck for delivery and an hour to get to its destination. That would make the arrival time 11:30am and this is a very efficient timeline that I've laid out, much more efficient than anything I've ever encountered.

Oh wait, I forgot something... the six hour time difference [from Memphis], which at certain times of the year is actually a seven hour difference. So that puts us at 5:30pm or 6:30pm.

In other words, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE to get something to London the next business morning unless you drive it to the airport, buy it a fucking plane ticket and pick it up from the airport. Not even I, who as we all know has the super hot package, can make this happen.

What's even better than that? Someone once asked me to overnight something to Tokyo. A flight from my city to Tokyo is thirteen-and-a-half hours. Tokyo doesn't recognize daylight savings so it's either thirteen or fourteen hours ahead depending on the time of the year. To get a package there the next day would involve an ability to either teleport or go back in time.

Needless to say, if I possessed either ability I would not be stuck in a mailroom.