It's Not Me it's You

Do restraining orders work against vendors? This is something I might have to look into.

For over three months a certain office supply company (none you've ever heard of unless you work for them... and if you do run away!) has been trying to get me to order from them. I really wasn't interested but they did the old salesman show up at the office routine after I said I wasn't interested.

(Sidenote: I've started allowing these unsolicited visits ever since my DHL rep said he was going to take me to lunch which I interpreted as I will gladly stuff my face if you're picking up the tab and you can talk all you want while I order my third milkshake. I might need to rethink this idea, especially since I haven't received that free lunch. Alas, perhaps there are no free lunches.)

What could I do with that sad little puppy on my doorstep? I showed him a good time of course. Well, not really.

But I did get to look all important--look at me booking a conference room for my "business meeting"--and we "talked numbers" as the kids like to say. Well, not really.

First, Papular Paper Pusher asked me what my main concern was. Any economic students out there? Want to take a guess as to what I told him? I told him "lowest price combined with timely delivery." I don't think I coined that phrase but he thought it was worth writing down. He then gave me a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo, or malarkey if your prefer, that made me click my mental "sleep mode."

One of his big sells was that he could save me money on paper purchases. Great idea, we use paper everyday. Literally every day if you can believe it. And it's not like paper grows on trees. Well, not really.

I gave him the figure for a box of 10 reams of 24 lb. stock--hang on dear audience, we have to work through the minutia--and he told me he could save me money because I didn't need to use 24 lb., 20 lb. would do just fine for the copier. (I won't bore you with the reasons I order 24 lb. paper but there are reasons dammit! I will only point out that 20 lb. paper costs less than 24 lb. from Staples and any other vendor.)

That was the big sell? To get me to order a cheaper quality of paper. What's his next suggestion to give people foldy chairs instead of plush office chairs? (Okay, the office chairs are a bit lavish at $1,000 a pop but they weren't my choice.)

Still, nice guy that I am I printed out my spreadsheet of items that I regularly order. A week or two later I get an email from PPP explaining that I have a login to their website. I ignored it as I did all the other attempted follow-ups. I got caught on the phone once and so I agreed to check out the website.

Well, as it turned out I was in for quite a treat. It was like the Staples website except much harder to navigate with far less items to choose from. And here's the clincher: more expensive than Staples and an extra day to arrive.

Did he really think he was going to lure me with higher prices? All he had to do was go to the Staples website, see what they were charging and charge me the same rate. I could have worked around the other stuff. I'm good with ordering from the little guy. I'm no corporate lackey. I have the rap sheet to prove it. But at the end of the year I have to turn in a self-evaluation and one thing that always gets them all excited is when I can show them where I saved the company money. It factors into my bonus.

These year-end reviews are painful enough without me having to explain why I switched from Staples to a company that charges more money for the same items.

Still, because I am an atheistic saint I found two items that were something like a nickel cheaper on their website. I clicked on the link provided in the email and put an order in. Well, not really.

As it turns out my order didn't go through, though I didn't know it at the time. PPP called. I answered and told him that I put an order in hoping that would shut him up. (It didn't by the way.)

He calls me back later that day and explains that I ordered through the demo website as opposed to the regular website. Give me a break. This is the worst wooing I've ever seen. You're trying to get my business? If this were a date I'd be convinced I was being filmed by the Blind Date crew... or maybe even Hell Date.

Fast forward to the day before I left for Amsterdam [pause for the tears of longing]. The Temp is in my office. The phone rings.

The Temp: The phone's ringing.

Me: Yeah, I can hear it.

TT: Are you going to answer it?

Me: You see that code? That means it was transferred from reception, that means it's someone trying to sell me something. Not interested.

TT: Oh, okay.

So what do you think the The Temp did?

a) let the phone ring
b) turned off the ringer
c) hung up on PPP
d) answered the phone and told PPP to never call back
e) answered the phone, and said "Yes, he's right here. Hold on, I'll get him...It's for you."

Yes, sadly, the answer is e). Does the Temp have brain damage? I mean seriously, am I talking to Mr. Short-term Memory? Perhaps a pear-colored apple hit him on the head.

So I talk to PPP and tell him to call me the next day at 4pm knowing very well that I will be on my way to the airport, destination Amsterdam.

Fast forward to today. I get a phone call from some phone number I don't recognize. It's PPP on my cell! WTF? Leave me alone! (Unfortunately, I need to list my cell on my business card for a variety of reasons.) PPP called a few weeks back but his number came up as unlisted and I don't answer unlisted calls. I checked the message, erased it, and didn't think twice.

Today, however, I foolishly answered an unknown number and paid the price. He told me he would set up someone to call me to walk through the website. No, fix your website. It sucks. I'm web saavy. It's on my resume. I don't need to talk to someone who's going to talk to me like I'm feeble-minded--"Okay, do you see a blue 'E,' it should say 'Microsoft Explorer' underneath the 'E.' You want to click on that with your mouse."

If I'm on the phone I might as well put the order in over the phone--Temp style.

I told him I'm not interested and to stop calling me. I think that's the last I'll be hearing of PPP. Well, not really.